How to talk to your kids about a new partner
Talking to your child about a new partner can be a tough challenge emotionally, but the benefits will hopefully outweigh the difficulties long term. While your child may find it hard to adapt to the change in your life, they will be able to get to know your partner and see what a happy addition they are to your lives. Here are some tips for how to bring up the subject in a positive way.
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Talk to your partner first
Before you think about how your children will react, it’s important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Do they see the same future for the relationship as you do? Do they think it’s the right time for them to meet your child? It might be confusing for your child to be introduced to your new partner if the relationship does not last.
Mention your partner’s name around your child
Depending on your child’s age, there may not be any need to engineer a serious conversation about your relationship. Start by mentioning your partner’s name around your child and letting them know that there’s someone you are spending lots of time with. This will help your child get used to the idea of this person before they meet. If your child is old enough to suss out what is happening, they may approach you with their feelings about it first.
Be considerate
Even if you have made it clear to your child that you are not getting back together with their biological parent, they may still be harbouring a hope that this will happen. Talk of a new partner will take away this hope and may make them feel angry or upset. Reassure them that you will always put their feelings first, however this new person makes you happy and you’d love it if they could give them a chance.
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Introduce your partner as a friend
By introducing your partner as a new friend at first your child will have the chance to get used to the idea of having someone new in their life. If your child is older, they may have already noticed that you are trying to meet someone, perhaps through online dating at eHarmony.co.uk, so it won’t come as a massive shock to them that this person is more than a friend.
Ask them what they want
When you suggest that your child meet your new partner, give them some options about how they’d like to go about it. A neutral setting which isn’t too pressured would be ideal and if your child feels they have had a say in what happens, they are less likely to feel cornered or uncomfortable.
When looking for a new partner as a single parent, it’s important to be upfront and honest about your children and to look for someone who is open to being part of a family. Online dating makes this easy, as it allows single parents to only look for matches who fit this persona and provides an easy way to find love once more.
My own thoughts on this were challenged when my mum found herself a boyfriend – at the grand old age of 80! Despite the fact I haven’t lived at home for many decades, I was still a little miffed when each time I visited, Boyfriend Bob was either there or she was rushing off to meet him, I wanted my mum to myself, particularly as I don’t see her that often.
I guess it all depends on the age of the kids and indeed the circumstances but I’ve been very tentative about introducing my new partner to my children, and it seems to be working well. They’ve all met but the relationship isn’t forced in any way and I spend just as much time alone with my kids as before, I think it’s important to know their own time with me isn’t compromised. Fortunately my kids spend time with dad so I do have time to manage the two sides quite independently.
Patience, love and understanding is the key in these things, and being prepared to step back off the pedal a little if things hit a sticky area, and not try and force anything but rather let relationships develop at their own pace. My kids are now asking when they’re going to see my partner next – a good result in my book 🙂
My kids were 9 and 11 when their father and I separated. My son, a victim of advertising, insisted that I needed to join eharmony a mere few weeks after (it was a violent relationship). I doubt he was ready for me to replace his dad but he thought it was a good idea to get back out there – and so I did. My kids were always aware of the gentlemen that I was talking to online, in a way I made them a part of the process. It gave them a chance to get used to and comfortable with the idea of mom dating. I met very few of the men I had contact with and never brought one home to meet my children until ‘the one’ came into my life and this was a few years after my separation. I am now engaged to the only man I ever introduced my children to.