Christmas should be full of laughter, smiles and all things festive. Its difficult enough sometimes to make the festive season go smoothly and sometimes even harder when your separated or divorced. I had the chance to put some readers questions to Jenny Beck. Jenny is a family law expert with The Co-operative Legal Services. To help separated and divorced parents have a stress-free Christmas, The Co-operative Legal Services have provided a guide with helpful tips and advice on the issues parents need to consider. you can view the guide .
Q – Lisa and Karl have 2 children that live with Lisa in the week and Karl at the weekends. This is a mutual agreement that they set up between themselves as their divorce was amicable. This set up has worked fine till Christmas was mentioned. Karl would like to have the children Christmas Eve and night and return them to Lisa Christmas morning which is a Wednesday and Thursday. And then have them again that weekend. Lisa and Karl want to talk about this amicably but Lisa just wants to make sure where she stands if she says no the weekend.
A – It’s great that Lisa and Karl have such an amicable co-parenting relationship. If Lisa feels that she won’t be spending enough time with the children, my advice would be to explain to Karl how she feels. Chances are, he will understand and might negotiate on days. Perhaps Lisa could keep the children overnight on the Saturday and drop them off with Karl on Sunday that way they would each have equal time with children.
Q – Gail has a 4 year old little girl. The father hasn’t wanted to know until this year and is asking to see the little girl on Christmas day. Gail is keen for him to be in her daughter’s life but can Gail say no?
A – I can’t blame Gail for wanting to be with her daughter on Christmas Day. Christmas day is a very emotional day for families and the reintroduction to a parent you haven’t seen for a long time would probably be far better on a day which isn’t such a special day. I don’t know when Gail’s daughter last saw her dad, but it is concerning that her father ‘hasn’t wanted to know’. Every decision about a child should be made with their best interests at heart. Gail’s ex might want to see his daughter on Christmas Day because he’s feeling emotional at this time of year but is he prepared to commit in the long term? If not, it could make for a very unhappy Christmas present. Gail might want to suggest a careful reintroduction of contact with a suitable gift or card on Christmas Day building up to face to face contact in the new year if appropriate.
Q – Robert looks after his young son who lives with him. His son stays with his mum, Julie, every other weekend and the odd night in the week. This year his son wants to spend Christmas with his mum. Robert isn’t keen as Julie has a new partner. What’s the best solution to keep everyone happy?
A – Roberts anxieties are completely normal, however if Julie’s new partner is to be a long term part of Julie’s life, he will need to find a way of feeling comfortable with his son seeing him, but it may be that Christmas is a little too soon. If it does feels very uncomfortable for Robert, perhaps if he met Julie’s partner he would feel more at ease and that way, they could try to reach an agreement that suits everyone.
Q – Mike and Mary are separated but for financial reasons are still living together. They have two daughters who are 12 and 15. This Christmas Mike is going to his family and Mary to hers. Both set of family’s are opposite sides of the country, both want to take the girls. Are the girls old enough to decide which parent they want to go with for Christmas?
A – Whilst both girls are old enough to make decisions about where they want to go for Christmas, it would be quite inappropriate to ask them to choose as it could make them feel very compromised. Ideally, the girls should stay together. I’d recommend that Mike and Mary discuss what works for them and find a fair solution for example, going to one set of relatives for Christmas and the other’s for New Year and then perhaps alternating this the following year. Once a clear decision and plan which keeps the girls together with the people who love them is in place, this should take the heat out of the situation.
Q – John and Sue divorced a few years ago and both have new partners. They have 2 children aged 6 and 9 which they have joint custody over. Sue and her partner want to have Christmas with the kids at home, however John and his partner want to take the children away for Christmas. What’s the best way to solve this?
A – I’d recommend mediation so that John and Sue can sit down and work out what will be in the children’s’ best interest. due to the age of the children, they shouldn’t be involved in decision making at all. It may be that the holiday can be moved to the New Year so that they can spend Christmas with Sue and her partner and then they can go on holiday in the new year with John and his partner. That way, the children can enjoy Christmas with both parents without continued animosity. No parent should take their child out of the country, even for a holiday, without the permission of everyone who has Parental Responsibility.
Tip – If you are worried about your child being taken abroad without your permission you can take urgent steps to stop this so you should seek legal advice. If you want to take a child abroad you should get legal advice first to make sure you aren’t committing a criminal offence.
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