I think the hardest part of being a single mum for me is Christmas. I can cope with most things that are thrown at me throughout the year and I am getting a dab hand at DIY. But Christmas is different.
When I first separated from my children’s father we decided straight away not to get into the ‘take turns’ scenario over the Christmas period. We at least agreed that the most important thing was that the children enjoyed their Christmas. Now, this all sounds very good and grown up but it does mean I spend the most of Christmas on my own.
The way we do it is that we let the children decide where they want to be. Now the choices are obviously here with me or at their father’s. I not being close to my family has never spent an adult Christmas with my parents ( and nor do I want to start to thank you very much), he, on the other hand, has brothers and sisters who all have children and they all get together ‘Walton’ style for a massive Christmas day. Now in a kids mind, the choice between two very different Christmases is easily worked out by where you’re more likely to have fun and get more presents. Yep, you guessed it, with their father. So every Christmas morning off they go to have fun, laughter and presents to return 48 hours later.
Being the good unselfish mother I am, I manage to do a good act of pretending that I love spending Christmas day on my own. We do make more of a deal out of Christmas Eve and open half our presents in the evening and then a few Christmas morning before they go. The first few years were easy as loved the novelty of eating cheese on toast in my pyjamas and watching all the Christmas films. I would have a glass of champagne and a bath with as many bubbles as I could fit in. The glass of champagne would turn into a bottle and then be in bed asleep by tea time. It was easy.
But then the novelty slowly died and the champagne too when I decided to go healthy and not drink alcohol. A couple of the years have been really tough and now it gets difficult as my daughter looks at me knowing that I will be spending Christmas on my own. She is torn to go with the family or stay with me, so for her sake, the actress in me is now on Oscar level. I’m going for all out this year and have my acceptance speech for my Oscar award all planned.
In my 8 years of single mum Christmases I can recommend the following:
- Although nice to have a drink, don’t drink too much if there is any hint it will make you sad. Slurring Merry Christmas sarcastically at the TV with a bottle in hand really isn’t that sophisticated.
- Instead of the traditional Christmas dinner for one (Iceland and Tesco do them if you have your heart set on it) do something different. My favorite was salmon bagels followed by strawberries and cream. You will also be amazed how many people actually envy you.
- If you are eying up the sofa and remote control for the day, treat yourself to new pjs .
- Take yourself out for a walk. I would walk past houses and bet how many arguments I would spot. (Grass is not always greener and the picture card image of Christmas we presume everyone else is having sadly isn’t so).
- Lastly, if you can manage it, buy yourself a pressie to put under the tree. I learned this one several years in after realizing I would not get a present any other way.
Update – Wow time had flown. Its now 9 years on since I wrote this post and as we are approaching another Christmas I thought I would update this post with anything else I have learned.
I think the only things I can add after a total of 17 Christmases without them here on Christmas Day are :
- Keep everything in perspective as it is one day. You can, of course, make it a week-long celebration or whatever fits with you.
- As time goes on family dynamics and circumstances change so be flexible. New partners with maybe their children join the family as too some leave. Everyone wants the unattainable ‘Perfect Christmas ‘ and with that, everyone’s perception of perfect is different too. Communicate, negotiate and compromise.
- Don’t use your children as bate, blackmail or anything else nasty. You are the grown up, they didn’t ask to be in the situation they are in and they probably don’t like it no matter how much you try to sell it to them with the two Christmases thing.
- Don’t think its all doom and gloom and how life will be forevermore. I am spending Christmas Day with one of my children this year and with a wonderful man and I am stupidly excited about it all. Things can and do change.
coping with christmas on your own as a single mum 2
Sniff!
What a brave blog post.
I am not sure I could be as unselfish as you.
Mind I did love
“Although nice to have a drink, don’t drink too much if there is any hint it will make you sad. Slurring Merry Christmas sarcastically at the TV with bottle in hand really isn’t that sophisticated.”
Very funny!
At the moment (3 years into seperate lives, but 4th Christmas since the infedelity) I am still holding with the line of ‘DS and I are still where we always were. YOU are the one who has gone, so sorry but YOU are the one who misses out.’
That said I have let him have DS for 1 Christmas morning, but it wore the poor lad out so badly I said no more
Love to hear how other single mums do Christmas too
I spent my first Christmas as a single Mum at home alone. I chose to send the boy off to his Granny’s with his Daddy, he would have the Aunties, Uncles and his Daddy’s cousins to make a fuss and I would have mt first child free break. I went to the pub on Christmas Eve with a friend, spent Christmas morning painting my bedroom and cleaning the kitchen, cleaned up to join friends for a traditional lunch, then home in the evening to my clean tidy house.
This year is Daddy’s turn, but he can’t be bothered, Granny’s in a home so the usual family gathering at hers won’t be happening. Actually I find it hard to have a jovial fun Christmas with just me, the boy and the cat, seems a very small gathering. I’m sure we’ll see friends though and will make it known that we are open for callers with the champagne on ice and mulled wine at the ready.
I would love xmas on my own but you have to be able to trust your ex in order to do this. I now insist on having my kids at Xmas as 2 yrs ago my ex’s g/friend thought it hilarious to buy my son, then 11, a barbie doll!! The evil bag wrecked my sons Xmas and he is stll not over the embarassment and humiliation.
Just a thought but do your kids have to be together at Xmas? Could you not spend a lovely day with daughter, both in jimjams and have one major girly day? Bet she would love it. She could see other family on boxing day. As I said, just a thought, not trying to interfere.
Aww Wendy thats so mean! Your poor son 🙁
What a nasty piece of work- is she still about?
I have never been keen on christmas, but I always make an effort for the sake of my daughter, to make sure she enjoys it. We are approaching her 3rd christmas this year, and I’m dreading spending yet another christmas on my mine. While other people cuddle up with their loved ones watching all the christmas movies and being all romantic, I’ll be on my own. Of course during the day I’ll be going around visiting parents and sisters, watching my daughter open her presents, it’ll be the evening when the loneliness kicks in.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who dreads christmas alone, atleast I know i’m not the only one.
x
I know how you feel, me and my ex split up 3 years ago and the first xmas I had the kids and was at my mums, I was very, very sad but put on a fake happy face for the sake of the kids and for family (told them everything was fine!) I had actually woken up that morning with a pain in my chest.
The following year my ex had the kids from xmas eve to new years eve (daytime) so I went to my friends for a week and was just drunk the whole time, I did have a good time actually and decided that was how I would spend my christmases but of course I cant do that to my children. this year, however, it is my turn to have them and I am dreading it. I dont know if it gets better every year but I havent had a boyfriend since I split up with my ex so it wasnt like I had someone special to share christmas with although just my three children should be enough.
I just wish I personally knew people that were in my position then maybe if we lived close enough we could spend Xmas evening together! x
My children toddle off to visit their father’s side of the family every Christmas Day. The first year, I was very lonely…had a sinus infection…and watched a Law & Order television marathon in the dark all day. Since then, Christmas afternoon has become one of my favorite moments of the entire holiday season. The kids are gone, so I can tidy up a bit. I usually pick up some Chinese food (not always my first choice, but, they’re open!) and just spend the afternoon in a quiet way.
Thanks. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself. This will be my first christmas as a single parent, altho if I am honest i have might of well of been for the last 12 years. Do I sound bitter? So this year it is just me and the kids, the ex is off to his family for the whole of the christmas period, perhaps with the latest squeeze in tow, without so much as a backward glance for his kids. So the pressure is on me to make it good for them. At least i won’t have to put up with him sitting there, whilst i run around like the village idiot. So there are positives in everything I suppose. Anyway thanks for your site, its kind of nice knowing that there are people in a similar situation. I shall definately be logging back on.
Are you not invited to share the family Christmas with your ex and his family? Yes you are no longer romantically/sexually involved but you are always going to be family as you share children. Christmas is a time for getting family together and so it seems a huge shame that this doesn’t include you – especially as the kids would surely love to see you both.
Just come across your blog while worrying about this years xmas. The last 2 have been pretty rubbish for us, determined that this year wont be the same. Ajusting to the new normal is what i find most hard.