And I accepted that fact a long time ago, so it’s rare that you will hear me moan about being a single parent. You’ll hear me moan about being a parent, of course, I am only human after all.
Recently I was faced with an unexpectedly big decision. My son had been at nursery since before he was one, (part -time to allow me to work), and he was due to go into the pre-school there. So far so good. The nursery was attached to a school so in theory from the age of one until thirteen my son would be at this lovely school that I was more than happy with. However, after Christmas we were told that the school was ever so slightly bankrupt and wouldn’t be re-opening.
I won’t go into the tragic implications of this situation, suffice to say that it meant my son was without a pre-school and due to the fact I was supposed to be working the following week I had a few days to try to find him replacement.
All of this involved going to school meetings. I was pretty aware of being the rare single-parent at such gatherings as couples (many of who I knew) attended together, but this had long since ceased to bother me. I didn’t care about being among couples or feel inadequate about that. Well most of the time I didn’t. But then as I listened to the Governors talking about the school problems, the administrators talking about the bankruptcy process and the other schools in the area telling me why I should choose them I felt glaringly alone.
You see this was a crucial decision, a big decision, a decision that would affect my son because I was choosing a place for him to spend the next eight or so years of his life. I didn’t feel that I could afford to get it wrong, but at the same time I had no idea if I would get it right.
I wished I had someone by my side to talk it over with. Because it wasn’t just the gravity of the decision that I had to make that worried me it was the fact I felt incapable of doing it. I’m the sort of person who has trouble deciding what to order from a menu. I wasn’t built to be decisive. I always ask a million opinions about things and then I still feel unsure. I often try on three outfits a day (and that’s with a small child tugging on my time) before I know what I want to wear.
I don’t do decisions.
And I wished there was a partner by my side to help me decide (or decide for me). I would even have preferred a warring ex to no one at all. Well, in theory anyway. As I asked advice it all came back to one thing; it was up to me and I had to trust myself.
Despite the fact that I’m a bit rubbish and I can’t decide for myself there is something about making a decision for the most important person in you life that means not only do you have to do it, but that you can. I put my doubts to one side, because despite the fact I was having lovely one-sided conversations with the George Clooney look-alike that would have been my husband in my parallel universe, the buck stopped here.
And as I grew up and accepted the responsibility, I knew that I would make the right decision. It can be lonely facing these choices alone, it can be daunting but I remembered that I wasn’t alone because my beautiful boy would always be there for me and knowing that gave me the strength to trust my instincts and make the biggest decision I’ve made so far.
I still can’t decide what to have for lunch though…
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