Guide to Building a Positive Relationship with Your Teen |

Welcome to this In-Depth Guide to Building a Positive Relationship with Your Teen. In this post, I will outline strategies for dealing with even the most troublesome challenges.

The teen years can be particularly challenging due to teen rebellion. Knowing what to expect and how to deal with it can mean the difference between maintaining a close relationship and driving a wedge between you and your child.

Setting clear boundaries is essential. You might dread this because you fear it will be yet another source of conflict, but in reality, it can foster respect for one another and preserve household harmony.

The foundation you lay with your teen will be the base for success in their own relationships, and with you as they mature into an adult. What kinds of messages are you giving them? What sort of example are you setting?

There is enough stress and pressure in these busy modern times without adding more without reason. Unfortunately, teens are subject to all sorts of peer pressure. Add your expectations to the mix and your teen can start to become like a pressure cooker about to explode. Learn how to dial it down and keep them safe no matter what the situation.

Once they are old enough, they need to learn valuable life lessons in order to achieve the independence and freedom they long for once they are adults. Are you going to support them? Are you going to throw all sorts of obstacles in their way?

Trying to forbid anything, such as getting a tattoo, is only likely to encourage them more. Education is your best option. By continually talking to your teen, you can stay close to them. Your teen needs to know you will be there for them, and that they can talk to you about any subject, even difficult ones like sex and drugs. In this course, you will discover ways to handle these tough talks successfully.

Contents

Where did my sweet baby go?

Your instinct to question your child’s new behaviors and attitudes is correct. It’s important for parents to verify the reason why their child’s attitude or behavior has ‘suddenly’ changed. If your child is between 10 and 16 years old, the reason may be that puberty is on the horizon.

As your child starts to go through puberty, new hormones start to kick in. These hormones affect everything from your child’s brain, body, behavior, and emotions to how well you and your spouse get along.

Young children seldom challenge their parents intellectually. They rarely look at their parents in a critical manner and find fault with them. However, teens suddenly start to analyze everything. When you add the teenager’s desire to be more independent, this can be a recipe for conflict. They might compare you to their friendsí parents, or fictional media parents, and decide you are just not up to the standard they start to hold as ideal.

Your child’s new behaviors and attitudes can be very painful if you used to have a close relationship. It is tough to be told we are not good enough by people we love, or that we are so embarrassing they donít want to be around us.

Accepting that your baby isn’t a baby any longer can be tough. However, rest assured that your sweet child is still inside that changing body somewhere. To make the changes and challenges easier for you and your child, you’ll need to start preparing and planning for how you will react and deal with your teen’s rebellion now.

Reasons teens rebel

One of the most difficult challenges parents face is their teen’s rebellion. Let’s take a closer look at why so many teens go through a rebellious stage. When you understand the reasons, it’s easier to maintain self-control as well as make good parenting choices in a less than ideal situation.

As children turn into pre-teens and teens, they become eager for their own identity and independence. However, they are not yet old enough to live life on their own terms. This can be quite frustrating for them. This frustration and/or anger can motivate teens to lash out or rebel against their parents’ authority, rules, or values.

As your teen’s brain starts to mature, they begin to develop their own ideas and logic. Their logic might be faulty or limited due to lack of maturity, understanding, or experience. Unfortunately, they often don’t know or understand that their thinking isn’t quite as mature as they believe.

Peer pressure can also motivate teens to rebel. This pressure is coming earlier and earlier for vulnerable young children. This pressure often centers on materialism – the haves and the have-nots. The pressure to have designer clothes, sneakers and other items have actually become so extreme that children have killed for a pair of Nikes, or committed suicide because they couldn’t fit in.

The desire to fit in is important to everyone. No one wants to be alone or friendless. Unfortunately, in their attempt to be accepted by their peers, your teen might start to engage in inappropriate or unsafe activities to impress or please others.

So what can you do to help prevent your teen from getting off track completely? The main thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. That means understanding that your teen is “practicing” being an adult by trying to handle things without running to you for answers.

To you, this may look like your teen is hiding something or is ignoring you. The truth is that when you make an extra effort to be available, approachable, and supportive, your teen will feel comfortable coming to you, even when things are at their worst.

Sharing and setting examples

Kids don’t usually know much about your current or past struggles. They also don’t know how you managed to become the person you are now. Share age-appropriate parts of your journey with them for them to see a bigger picture. This picture can often help the two of you find common ground.

Here is an example. Your teen complains, “You nag about grades but you are only a ______ (waitress, clerk, or whatever.)” Tell them that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Then explain what your hurdles were. Your story might be that your family had little money for college because your single mom had cancer.

Mention how having good grades helped you overcome the problems. Your explanation might be “that despite the situation, you kept your grades up and got scholarships.” Don’t try to shelter them from unpleasant things. Show them that obstacles can be overcome.

Give your teens an idea of what life is like as an adult. Take your teens to your workplace to show them what you do to earn money. Then, take them shopping to teach them what things cost. Review the budget with them. Show them how spending and saving decisions are made.

Explain the time demands made on adults, especially as they relate to balancing work, household chores, family, and personal time. Since one person can’t do everything, it’s important for everyone to help. The more they do around the house to help, the more successful the family is, and the less stress family members feel.

Don’t lecture your teens. Simply, show them how to do things. Once they get a more complete picture of the joys of adulthood, they will have a better idea of what is expected of you and other adults.

Channeling teen rebellion positively

Teens want to prove things to you as well as to their peers. The only way to do that is by taking on more mature responsibilities, which show they are trustworthy, competent, and make good choices in various situations. Privileges come with responsibilities.

If your teen is in a hurry to grow up, give them more challenging chores that are age-appropriate. Pay them for some jobs Let them decide whether to spend or save their money. Don’t just hand them cash whenever they ask. Step into the role of employer.

Teens are old enough to share in household issues like budgeting and contributing to more and more chores. Yes, it is true they have schoolwork and friends they want to hang out with. However, if they want to become more independent, they need to take on more family-related responsibilities gradually to gain their freedom.

If they want to go on the school ski trip, for example, work out a plan with them as to how they can earn the money to go. You know your teen best. What will give them an incentive to try? You may not like the idea of them going on the trip, but they are much more likely to take it seriously and stay safe if they have worked to get there, than teens who get whatever they ask for from their parents, and take all they have for granted.

Yes, it is scary to think of them going on a trip with all their peers overnight. It is only natural to worry about what they might do. Make sure you know which teachers are going, and which parents are accompanying them. If you are able, you might even volunteer to be one of the supervisors yourself.

We all remember the ‘cool’ mom or dad who was firm but fair. They made you feel grown up and good about yourself. Maybe you can be that cool parent.

Parental pressure

You know about peer-pressure and the toll it can take on your teen. However, have you considered how much parent-pressure you add into the mix, unintentionally? The outcomes can be just as life-changing but maybe not in the positive way that you’d like.

Many times, teens feel as if they are caught between a rock and a hard place when it comes to making choices. They want to please you. However, when their feelings, beliefs, ideas, or wants are different from yours, it can cause a great deal of anxiety and even chaos.

Discussing options is usually a good way to interact with your teen when he or she has a difficult choice to make. However, when you share your personal opinion too strongly or too often, you may be defeating the purpose of support, especially if your teen is leaning in another direction.

Some teens have no idea what they want to be. If parents try to pressure them to be a doctor or lawyer, this can lead to bitter conflict, and rebellion, if not in the teen years, then in later life. When it happens later in life, it can be particularly nasty or even tragic. Most of us know a peer who was pressured by a parent and the outcome wasn’t pretty.

If you haven’t seen that first-hand, consider how many child actors have suffered because of the amount of pressure or the unrealistic expectations of their parents and other adults. Those parents didn’t really support the children, just the money involved.

It’s not the end of the world if your teen doesn’t have clear goals.

Don’t nag or coax, just explain and support. Your teen listens a lot more than you think.

Supporting and Encouraging

Some parents expect that their children will follow in their footsteps. They get very nervous at the idea of their child getting hurt if they try to blaze a new trial for themselves. However, resistance is futile, as they used to say in Star Trek: Next Generation. It will only trigger rebellion and conflict.

Instead, talk to your teen about their goals and support them. Donít try to talk them out of them even if you disagree with them. Instead, try to get them to grasp reality by asking them to do research to find out exactly what steps they need to take to achieve their ambition. Help them draw up an action plan for achieving their goal. It will be up to them if they follow through and accomplish what they set out to do, or give up.

Encourage them verbally even if you think that the goal is impossible. For example, if they tell you they want to be an astronaut or actor, say, ìHow interesting, tell me more. In the case of an astronaut, for example, they would need to be good at science and math. If their grades are only average, what ideas do they have that will help bring boost them? If the ideas are their own, there is nothing to rebel against.

Even if you think the idea is ridiculous, supporting them with their homework or even getting a tutor for them will do no harm and will certainly boost their grades. Trying to talk them out of anything is a sure-fire way to make them rebel and distant themselves from you.

Identity and Independence

In teens’ efforts to find and define their individual identity, they tend to explore and try many new things. At first, this can be a very visual experience and even a shock to onlookers since style is easy to change. And it does change often. These changes are usually short-term. If you don’t like the change, you can be pretty sure that the phase won’t last long. All you have to do is wait it out. This is definitely one of the times when you need to pick your battles.

When changes become more internal, such as when your teen emulates a role model’s behaviors, things can get complicated and chaotic. As long as the role model makes good life choices, there usually isn’t a problem. However, if your teen emulates inappropriate people, such as celebrities, you may see some behaviors or attitudes that you just can’t allow within your family.

However, dictating will only create more conflict. The more you say, ‘Donít drink!’ to your teen, the more it will seem like forbidden fruit. This is especially true if your teen thinks that drinking makes people popular, likable, or cool.

You may run into other issues, such as piercings, tattoos, and clothing. In addition, these issues are happening earlier and earlier, with teens as young as 13 being encouraged to smoke, drink alcohol, wear skirts the size of a hankie, or wear their pants almost to their knees.

Fashion is one thing and foolishness another. However, arguing with your teen will not help your cause. What will help are facts. For example, show them a few pictures and statistics of piercings or tattoos have gone bad. Most of them are stomach-churning enough to make them change their minds. If not, just remind them that all the people in those photos thought it would be no big deal and everything would be fine. Some of them may have even seen the same pictures but thought, “That won’t happen to me.” They were obviously wrong.

Tell them the origin of flashing boxers-it comes from the prison community, with men signaling their sexual availability to the other men. Chances are most boys are not going to show their boxers after learning that.

The bottom line is to pick your battles, communicate effectively, suggest rather than dictate, teach your teen how to weigh their options by thinking out loud in their presence, and setting good examples.

Keep them Close, Keep Them Talking

It can be difficult to stay connected with your teen when they are trying to distance themselves from you as they grow up. The most obvious way to maintain a close relationship is to talk to your kids in a casual way and on a daily basis. This routine gives teens the chance to bring up things that are bothering or confusing them. Your ultimate goal is to create an atmosphere in which your child feels comfortable telling you things, particularly things they know you won’t like at all.

Yes, some topics ARE difficult. However, the truth is that you should have been talking to them about many of these issues before they become a teen. Personal safety, inappropriate touching of a sexual nature, saying no and expecting to have their personal space respected, are all key issues that you can raise at any age, as long as it is done in an age-appropriate manner.

A good activity for you and your teen might include a weekly or monthly Movie Night. Most of the time, it’s just for fun. However, when you’re trying to plant a seed in your child’s mind, Movie Night can deliver the message for you, if you choose a movie or show on a particular topic and discuss it afterward.

Even wholesome movies on the Hallmark channel deal with love, sex, death and other ‘big issues’ your teen might be wondering about, as they become more aware of the world. Watching movies together is good for both of you. The two of you can chat without anything seeming too personal or revealing. You can get an idea of what your teen thinks, feels, and needs. Your teen gets information and your take on things without having to bring up a personal issue that they are not ready to talk about, yet.

Creating this kind of open, accepting, and safe atmosphere means that during times when conflicts do arise, your teen is more likely to view you as part of the solution rather than part of the problem. It also means that communicating effectively and building a more mature kind of relationship with your teen is working.

Personal, Family, Teen Boundaries

Setting boundaries for your teen are one of the best things you can do to create a close relationship. This may sound counterproductive, but the reality is that it works. In general, everyone works and functions best when they know where the “do not cross” line is located.

All of us have personal boundaries as well as family boundaries. Family boundaries are boundaries, usually created by parents, which define whoís responsible for what, how parents and children interact, and how the family relates to others in the outside world. As your child matures into a teen, family boundaries need to be discussed in detail, and made part of a routine, when possible.

Setting clear boundaries and posting them on the wall or fridge means thereís no need to argue every time your teen asks for something. The boundary is an established fact. You are not being mean, or donít care about them. In fact, you are showing you care by being concerned about their safety and well-being.

The process of setting boundaries means you have to act as a parent, not as your child’s friend/peer, and not as your teen’s jailer. Over time, you may need to amend or redefine boundaries as your teen grows in maturity and behaves in a responsible manner.

Setting Effective Boundaries

You know that you need to set boundaries for and with your teen. However, the boundaries must be sound, healthy, fair, and effective to benefit your teen and the family. So, how do you upgrade the rules and boundaries? The key is to overhaul or create the family boundaries, first.

Effective boundaries allow for the growth and development of individuals while promoting the well-being of the family unit. With effective family boundaries in place, your teen gets a sense of family unity as well as a sense of individuality ñ the best of both worlds.

So, what are some of the most important boundaries you can set for your teen? The answer is that it depends on the child, their age, where you live (large city vs farm country), and what you both agree is reasonable and clear.

A reasonable and clear boundary is easily explained. It also includes the consequences of pushing the boundary or stepping over the line. It is best to phrase the boundary or limit in a positive manner by stating what your child to do, rather than in a negative way and/or using the word, ‘Don’t.’

How to set a good boundary:

Clearly state the specific boundary. Teen boundaries may include things such as curfew, watching TV, homework, computer time, chores, cell phone usage, smoking, alcohol/drugs, pet care, self-control, notifications, and so on.

Clearly state your expectations. Examples might include, “Carly is home by 9pm on a school night.” “Joe is allowed to watch TV for 2 hours after homework is completed and checked.” “Carmen uses the phone only for emergencies and important communications to parents.”

Clearly state exceptions. Example could be “unless you have a school assignment” or “unless you call and tell me, first” and so on.

State and discuss the consequences. Define and explain what will happen if the boundary is not honored. Consequences might include grounding, losing reward points, doing more chores, paying the phone bill beyond the set limit out of their allowance, and so on.

Setting clear boundaries that work for your teen and your family will be an ongoing process, and teens may push back, but they will secretly respect and love you for helping them stay on track.

Loving Teens Unconditionally

Most parents of teens know first-hand that there are times when you just don’t like your child very much. Sometimes, it can even seem that their actions and attitudes are meant to anger, upset, or annoy you. While teens can try to manipulate parents, most of the time, it’s not intended. It’s just a result of trying to come to terms with their changing lives.

While your child is going through this “hard to love” stage, you may want to do a self-inventory and examine your thoughts and feelings about love, and specifically unconditional love. The first point to consider is whether your love is unconditional. That is, you can say with absolute 100% sincerity that you would love your child no matter what decisions they make in life.

For example, in the US and around the world, marriage and the nature of the family is being re-defined. What would you do if your child came to you and told you they thought they were gay? Would you tell them to ‘snap out of it’? Would you look for a ‘cure’? Would you thank them for confiding in you, and tell them you will be there for them no matter what?

What would you say/do if your teen chose a partner of a different race, religion, or background? ìGuess Whoís Coming to Dinner,î is a classic movie from the 1960s that covers this issue. If you have never seen it, watching it might help you see things from a variety of viewpoints. It may also help you with your own feelings, spoken or unspoken. Just keep in mind that this movie is from a different era, was very controversial at the time, and many things have changed over the years.

Other situations might arise with regard to the friends they hang out with, the clothes they wear, (loud) music they listen to, or stated choice of career. How would you react and what would you say?

If/when you run into issues like the ones mentioned, your best option is to refrain from judging. Keep your comments positive and supportive. It’s ok to say something like, “I’m not fond of the idea, but I will support your decision and will always be here for you.” This sends your teens the message that you trust them and that you won’t desert them just because you don’t like the choice they made. It lets them know that you love them, unconditionally.

Responding to your child in a disapproving, negative, or judgmental way sends your teen the message that you will only love them IF you approve of everything they say or do. They will give up trying to satisfy you because they think you are ‘never happy’ and ‘always getting on their back.’ In short, the message you send your child is that you don’t ‘really’ love them.

Your key to successfully getting through these types of situations hinges on your ability to keep communications open and tell your children that you love them unconditionally in ways that are meaningful to them, as an individual.

Your Teen’s Love Language

As a parent, you want your child to feel loved and wanted. You may be telling your teens that you love them but they don’t believe you. You think that you couldn’t make it any clearer than saying, “I love you.” However, the problem may be that something is getting lost in the translation. Yes, I said translation. You and your teen may be speaking different languages.

Okay, so what language do you need to speak ñ Spanish, French, or something else? The answer is “something else.” You need to speak at least 2 of the 5 Love Languages, developed by therapist and counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman. These aren’t actually languages, as we think of them. They are essentially your child’s emotional communication preferences and the things that you do or say that your teen translates as “love.”

Dr. Chapman suggests the concept of a ‘love tank.’ Each person has a love tank that needs to be filled. The size of the tank is different for each individual and each person needs a specific kind of love to function at their best. Everyone has a primary and secondary love language.

If a person’s love tank is full, they will be happy and the relationship will go well. If their love tank is not being filled, they will be ‘running on empty’ and relationships will be difficult. If the tank is empty for too long, the relationship might end.

The five ‘love languages’ are:

1. Gifts
2. Acts of service
3. Physical touch
4. Quality time
5. Words of affirmation

Let’s look at the first two – gifts and acts of service.

Gifts

These can range from small items that don’t have to be expensive but show you care, to larger gifts for birthdays and holidays. The thought that goes into them is important because it shows you are paying attention enough to know they want X, Y or Z. On the other hand, if the person’s love languages are not related to gifts, you could shower them with all the material things in the world and they would not feel loved.

Acts of service

Doing things for your child, like cooking their favorite dinner or helping them with their homework, can all add up to a message that you care and they are valued. This can sometimes accompany quality time if you work in the kitchen together or review the homework with each other and explain any issues patiently.

Being a parent is really one long act of multiple services from the time the infant is born, so it can feel very unfair if your teen does not register or seem grateful for what you do. Maybe it is just that service is your love language, but not theirs.

The love language physical touch

Physical touch is another of the 5 love languages. If one of your child’s love languages is physical touch, you’ll find that things that involve physical contact make them feel better. These may include hugs, kisses, a pat on the back, or a ‘bro hug.’ The obvious importance of this is that you have to be present, in the same room with your teen, in order to accomplish this, so physical touch can be part of the quality time with each other as well.

At some point, your teen might find it embarrassing. Then you will hear, ‘Oh, MOM!’ as they wipe their cheek and make a face. This might upset you, but in most cases, it is just a phase. Pick your moments and donít touch them as much when you’re in front of their friends. A high five or fist bump at their soccer game will convey the idea that you care and are proud of them without embarrassing anyone.

One other thing to consider is social expectations and pressures, and the difference in gender roles. Boys are taught to be tough, so it can be difficult for men to express affection for and with their sons, except possibly in the form of rough-housing and manly activities. Some fathers and sons tend to keep a physical distance from each other, yet both might use physical touch to express themselves. If you are a hugger but your child isn’t, or vice versa, start looking at some of the other love languages.

You may also want to keep in mind that one of the reasons that so many teens become tempted by sex is the craving for physical touch, acceptance, and love. They want to feel important and as if they matter. Conflict will only drive them to seek the love and acceptance from other people, including the friends and boyfriends/girlfriends you do not approve of.

Quality time, the language

Let’s look at the fourth love language, quality time. Most people would agree that this is one of their love languages, either their primary or secondary. Spending time with people you care about is a pleasure and shows you care. After all, we really donít like hanging out with our ëenemiesí.

As children grow, they need your time and input to help them mature. Unfortunately, many parents think that gifts are their childís love language. They want to give them the best of everything and spend hours working overtime to get the cash to pay for them. The sad thing is that most kids would love to have that time, rather than the gifts. Kicking around a soccer ball or baking cookies together are memories that will last a lot longer than most toys you buy them.

When your child reaches their teen years, the demands on their time will increase, such as schoolwork, sports, and getting ready for board exams so they can attend college. They will also have their circle of friends and social life. However, that doesnít mean you should cross them off your calendar. Make it a point to schedule a time to do fun things. Don’t make it a command performance: ‘We HAVE TO go to________.’ Instead, you might say on Wednesday, ‘The weekend is coming up. What would you like to do?’

In this way, there will be no hurt feelings if you make all sorts of plans and find out your teen promised to go to the mall shopping with all their friends.

If you and your teen are spending less and less time in the same room with one another, it’s time to reconnect with some quality time. Pencil it in on your calendar and see what a difference it can make.

The language of love, Words of affirmation

Everyone wants respect and to be well thought of. Children usually get their first taste of respect and a feeling of pride from their parents or other close family members. This is because of the closeness of the family.

However, not every family is close and some people have difficulty sharing their feelings, especially when it comes to praising and appreciation for other people. If youíve tried the other love languages, with little success, the chances are high that words of affirmation might be your teen’s primary love language.

Words of affirmation may be part of the quality time spent together, but you can also email or text each other, give greeting cards, and more. If you have trouble saying these things aloud:

* Well done
* Awesome
* Iím so proud of you
* I love you
* You are right
* I like the way you
* Thank you for

By all means, text them or whatever, but do make a point of sharing them. If you share your feelings, your teen will be much more likely to share their feelings with you, which will help keep you close no matter what their age.

Words of affirmation can be easy for some parents, and difficult for others. If you have a difficult time with affirmations or being positive, you may be adding a barb at the end, unknowingly.

‘You did great, BUT,’ can be very harsh. ‘Iím glad you got 95% on the test, but I expect 100% next time,’ or, ‘You could have gotten 100% if you had worked harder and not spent so much time doing X,’ are not really words of affirmation but of criticism. Practice saying, ‘Well done,’ and leaving it at that.

Now that you understand the 5 love languages, try to pinpoint which are most important to your teen, and to you. Once you speak each other’s language a bit better, your relationship should remain close.

There is an apology language?

When conflict occurs between you and your teen, the way you handle the conflict can either bring you together or drive you apart. In the same way that there are love languages, relationship counselor Gary Chapman has created the model of 5 Apology Languages. If a person does not get the kind of apology they are looking for, the relationship will struggle to get back on track.

Since most of this is subconscious rather than deliberate, identifying your primary and secondary languages of apology, and those of your teen can make a big difference in your relationship.

The 5 Apology Languages are:

1. Expressing regret
2. Genuinely repenting
3. Accepting responsibility
4. Making restitution
5. Requesting forgiveness

Let’s look at each of these more closely.

Expressing regret

‘Iím sorry’ is the most common way of expressing regret, but the trouble is, it might not be enough if your teen is speaking a different apology language. It is always good to say you are sorry and mean it, but it might also need to be accompanied by one or more of the other 4 apology languages depending on the situation.

Another problem is that many people say they are sorry, and then add the BUT as an excuse or justification. ìIím sorry for what I said, but you made me so angry. Is really no apology at all.

Genuinely repenting

Saying you’re sorry, meaning it, and showing it, are very important to many people. It shows your teen that you care. It also teaches them how to deal with conflict effectively in their own lives.

Just remember not to ruin the progress by adding, “BUT” at the end of the sentence. Say you are sorry and you will try not to do it again. Now is not the time to make an excuse or validate your reasoning for doing something.

Similarly, don’t say you are sorry for doing something and keep repeating the action. Your loved one, especially teens, will stop trusting you if you fall into this pattern.

In the Middle Ages, a person literally had to be as good as their (spoken) word because so few people could read or write. Be as good as your word when dealing with your teen, hold them to the same standard, and see what a difference it can make.

Apology Language – Accepting Responsibility

Being wrong and accepting responsibility can be quite difficult for both teens and adults. For teens, accepting responsibility and being held accountable for their actions can be a bitter pill to swallow. However, accepting responsibility is one of the apology languages and you would be wise to perfect this so your teen can learn the concept and master the skills

Accepting responsibility

We hate to say, ‘It’s my fault.’ In fact, most people would rather try to lie their way out of a situation than admit they are to blame. In terms of legal implications, we can see how not accepting blame will be important if a matter ever goes to court. However, for the little things in life, it’s better to accept responsibility than to lie. In fact, lying will usually only make an already bad situation worse.

Even if you think you are in the right, you might wish to apologize for the sake of restoring harmonious relations. In this case, ‘Iím sorry for my part in our disagreement,’ will usually work well without you heaping blame on yourself. Once you take the blame, what can you do to make it up to the person?

Making restitution

Making restitution is trying to make up to the other person whatever you have done wrong. In its simplest terms, it could mean replacing something you broke by accident. However, in many cases, the conflict will not involve material items at all. In which case, you will have to come up with a way of showing you are sincerely sorry.

If you promised to go to your teenís sports day and did not block it off on your calendar, you will need to apologize to someone. If it is your teen, try to keep your promise as best you can. Once the meeting is over, head out to the event. Itís better than giving up and never showing at all.

Apology Language – Asking for Forgiveness

Asking for forgiveness sounds simple, but strangely enough, it is not something we are very good at. Again, we might hate to admit we have been wrong. Forgiveness might also sound like an overly religious concept to some people.

A teen whose love language is forgiveness, might not hear anything else if you donít ask for forgiveness. ‘Iím sorry. It’s my fault. Please forgive me,’ will cover at least 3 apology languages. However, will it work?

Forgiveness may or may not be granted (right away), but at least youíve tried. The one thing you donít want is anyone to hold a grudge or stop speaking to each other.

Another important aspect to consider in relation to forgiveness is how good are you at forgiving others? You are setting an example for your teen whether you realize it or not. So if you haven’t spoken to the ‘black sheep’ of the family in some time, what message are you sending about forgiveness and the importance of family?

A third aspect to consider is how good we are at forgiving ourselves. People with low self-esteem constantly apologize to others even when they have no need to, and beat themselves up over imagined or real things they feel they have done wrong. In the same way that you really have to love yourself in order to be able to love others, you really have to be able to forgive yourself in order to be able to forgive others.

So, what are some of the ways you can ask for forgiveness if you find it hard to say the words? Again, it doesnít have to be heavy. Try these with your teen and see which work best:

* I’m sorry. I messed up. Please forgive me.
* I’m very sorry. I know Iíve let you down. Can you forgive me?
* I didn’t mean what I said/did. I hope you can forgive me, and won’t hold it against me.

Now that you know all about the 5 apology languages, try these new forms of apology with your loved ones and see what a difference it can make to your connection with your teen, and even your spouse and other children.

Wrapping It Up With A Nice Bow

We’ve come to an end of our post, but we just want to recap what you’ve learned. We discussed the reasons teens rebel, the ways they rebel, and ways to prevent them from rebelling through your choices in communicating with them. We also discussed the importance of setting clear boundaries and what to do if your teen pushes your agreed-upon boundaries or steps over the line.

We’ve learned how to set a good example for your teen and let them get to know you in ways that can form the basis for continuing closeness into their adulthood. You’ve also learned how to deal with the issue of peer pressure and how to manage the level of pressure you put on your teen so it doesn’t seem as if you are being negative all the time.

We’ve also looked at ways to express support for your teen, even if you don’t agree with all of their life choices. Supporting is always better than shouting.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent, but you do have to be one and set sensible boundaries. You also need to be willing to discuss a wide range of ‘big issues’ even if they are embarrassing.

Trying to forbid anything, such as getting a tattoo, is only likely to encourage them more. Education is your best option. By continually talking to your teen, you can stay connected to them. Trying to lay down the law, talk them out of what they want to do, or who they spend time with, will only backfire in the end. Your teen needs to know you will be there for them, and that they can talk to you about any subject, even difficult ones like sex and drugs. If you don’t speak with them, you can be sure others will.

We have also discussed the difference between conditional and unconditional love. Does your love come with strings attached? Are you willing to support your child no matter what?

Youíve also learned about the 5 love languages: