We’ve all seen it – perhaps we have even done it ourselves. A parent with a misbehaving child immediately dips into the realm of threats.
“If you don’t stop that, it’s no pocket money for a week!”
“If you keep doing that, you can forget about going out with your friends this weekend!”
As an adult, we can understand the consequences of our actions. In the above scenarios, we understand that a repetition of the same “bad” action means the denial of something we want. It’s simple cause and effect.
For kids, they might not be able to process the same argument. There’s a fundamental, scientific reason for this too: children’s brains are vastly different to the adult variety. The reasons kids do stupid things we can’t process as an adult – utterly baffling oddities of behaviour – isn’t because they’re stupid. It’s because their ability to judge good and bad actions literally doesn’t function yet.
Pixabay Image
You probably did daft things when you were younger. Things that you look back on and think: “what was I thinking?!”. Oh, the benefit of hindsight – and a more developed frontal core.
So if children literally can’t process information in the same way, can’t grasp the concept of cause and effect – how do we discipline them?
We take a tip from the dog trainers of the world.
“Excuse me?”
Yep, you read it right: dog trainers have got a better handle on how to deal with children’s behaviour.
“You’re kidding me.”
Not at all; the reason is fairly straightforward. Any dog trainer worth their salt will understand that training a pooch is all about one simple idea: positive reinforcement.
Pixabay Image
If you “rub your dog’s nose in it” after an accident – a much-suggested lay piece of advice – they have no idea what’s going on. It feels like they should, to us, with a human brain. But a dog doesn’t get it; they can’t physically understand what’s going on.
Sound familiar?
“So… children are dogs. You’re telling me that children are like dogs.”
Of course not, but there are some similarities in how they respond to discipline.
For dog training and for children, positive reinforcement is what works. As they can’t process the reasons not to do something (even if we as adults see it as “common sense”), then they have no reason not to do it.
Sure, you can keep plugging away at this and demanding they don’t do something – but the results are variable. At most, the concept will be remembered for a short while and then forgotten about.
Instead, you have to incentivise the good behaviour. With dogs, clicker training and food rewards are the way forward with this. With children, you have a much bigger scope.
“Won’t kids just take the rewards for the good and keep doing the bad anyway?”
Not unless they are some modern-day Machiavelli. Again, kids can’t process things the same way. They can’t carefully weigh out the balance between enough good things for a reward while continuing to do the bad things.
For them, it’s a simple equation:
Good Thing = Reward
Bad Thing = No Reward
With a limited time and scope for understanding, very quickly, they will elect to do the Good Thing.
“So what kinds of incentives work?”
A lot of children are promised wonderful things for doing well on their school grades – the big things we focus on as adults. Yet it’s as important to offer incentives for the smaller, everyday and mundane things.
There are a variety of ways to do this. Kids appreciate things like medals and trophies – they are a tangible reward they can hold, strengthening the bond of good behaviour. If, for example, your child completes their chores for a week, a small medal they can show off is a viable way of teaching them that being good pays.
Other incentives can be money, time off from chores they don’t want, an added allowance on Santa’s list come Christmas.
“So all monetary, then?”
If your budget is tight, it’s harder to justify rewards for small behaviour. In this circumstance, use positive reinforcement. Too often, the only time we comment on our child’s behaviour is when it is poor.
So take a little time once a week to tell your child what they’ve done right – and why you appreciate it so much. If they have kept their room tidy, a simple statement will suffice: “I’m so grateful that you have kept your room so well! Why don’t you pick a show off Netflix for the evening?”
By focusing on the positives, rewarding with small victories and not expecting a child to just understand the rules – everyone wins. Your job as a parent gets easier and your child grows up learning that all good deeds go recognised. It’s a win-win.
Leave a Reply